Are you a New Full-time Stepmom & Bio Mom?
What do I mean when I say full-time Stepmom & Bio Mom, exactly?
This term refers to a situation where you are already a Bio Mom and additionally the relationship you are in will include your spouse’s Bio Kids. This now makes you both a Bio Mom AND a Stepmom!
The full-time part of the term, is, however, an entirely different story.
In this particular situation, you are fully aware of your new status(both a Bio Mom and a Stepmom), you also are well aware of the fact that you are NOT the stepchild’s “real Bio Mom“.
However, there is now a NEW reality you are being faced with… the stepchild’s actual Bio Mom is not in the picture at all(ever or any more, or only occasionally), and you now have to fill her shoes entirely as well as your own Bio Mom shoes!
Well, that is EXACTLY what happened to me! ( I will be mainly focusing on the being a full-time Stepmom part because I feel like the Bio Mom part is obvious!)
I went into my relationship with the mindset and determination to be a good Bio Mom and good ” normal” Stepmom. To tell you that my “world was turned upside down” when I faced my new reality, I believe would be quite an understatement!
In addition to a having two Bio children of my own, I now had to figure out how to be my stepchild’s “full-time stepmom” as well!
Let me tell you, this task is beyond hard!!
I won’t lie or sugar coat the situation, at times my “new reality” plain out SUCKED.
🚨I want to briefly stop and clarify some things before I go any further, I don’t want you to start thinking the wrong idea about me.🚨
The “filling her shoes” part of this situation is NOT the part I’m referring to here as “sucking“, NOT at all!
I absolutely LOVE my stepchild and I wouldn’t trade my time taking care of him, watching him grow, helping him learn, or anything else I have done, over ANYTHING!! Through MY eyes, my stepchild is just another one of my Bio children & he ALWAYS will be.
It’s the REALITIES of the situation, that makes this suck and what makes this situation to be so hard!
Let me ask you this…
If you are a full-time Stepmom, does your stepchild know his/her Bio Mom, in another word, is he/ she old enough to remember his/her “Real Bio Mom”?
Well, my stepchild was old enough to remember (barely) and this is where the “full-time stepmom” role gets tricky!!
You see, my stepson’s Bio Mom would come in and out of his life. When she would get him, she would promise him the world(I am talking about crazy & extravagant things) and she would allow him to do(and act) absolutely ANYTHING(& anyway) he wanted to do (good or bad) while he was with her.
She would allow my stepson to (literally) run wild and to make matters worse, she would praise him for his wild, destructive, & bad behaviors!
I am sure you all can see how the Bio Moms actions with my stepson would cause issues with our “blended” family, when my stepson would come home.
Not suprisingly, when my stepson would first arrive back home with us, he would immediately start disobeying, showing out, & throwing major tantrums at the first sign of being told what to do. Additionally, he would always be super cranky and wired to the MAX!
Another obvious factor was that my spouse & I knew WHY my stepson was acting that way, but we also knew that his behavior was NOT okay.
For the first few “scenes” my stepson would make, my spouse & I would simply remind him of our homes rules & the consequences of breaking those rules. If that didn’t work and he continued to disobey or act out, we would have to punish(age/action appropriately of course) him.
(**SIDE NOTE: The rules had been defined and made clear to each child long before this happened! This a CRUCIAL step to laying a strong foundation for your entire blended family by the way.)
When my spouse & I would end up having to punish my stepson (despite our reminders and warnings), WHO do you think (eventually)would get blamed for his so-called.. “mistreating”?
You guessed it, ME the full-time Stepmom. Me, the woman who is also a Bio Mom & who has 2 kids watching this horrific behavior. Those two kids, also knowing we don’t allow behavior like that in our home, and those kids knowing that if either of them acted that way, the punishment was for sure coming!
It would have neither been right or fair, if my spouse and I were to allow his bad behavior to continue or to go seemingly unnoticed. (no matter what the hidden reasoning may be.)
(**SIDE NOTE: I believe children have to be taught how to properly cope with life situations, not allowed to cause havoc in place of learning to deal with!)
I can remember before my spouse & I, even ” completely” started on the whole discipline thing, I was potty training my stepson and trying to get him “off” the paci (things that SHOULD have been taught and gotten rid of by the age of 3 almost 4 years old).
Every time the Bio Mom would randomly decide she wanted to get my stepson for a weekend, my spouse and I wouldn’t want to but usually felt like we had to allow him to go.
Y’all I swear EVERYTIME, it was as if EVERYTHING he had learned (or was in the process of learning) would be erased from his mind ENTIRELY while he was away!
Obviously, this would leave me having to RE-TEACH my stepson everything we had been working on before he left, along with caring for my two Bio Kids!
I want to give you a quick picture of how our lives were back then, so that you can TRULY see how bad it got at certain points.
My stepchild would come back from his Bio Moms visit and be wearing DIAPERS and usually have a NEW paci in his mouth!!
He would come back home with NO desire to “re-(potty)train“, NO desire to continue learning his ABC’s, 123’s, or help with “clean up time” with his step-siblings like he once had! He would pitch fits to watch cartoons ALL day, knowing in our house, we limit T.V. time!
(Let me also remind you that my stepson at this time was 3 almost 4 years old!!)
This period in my life was a nightmare much of the time! My stress-level skyrocketed like nothing you can actually explain in just mere words.
One thing you most likely WON’T experience(or atleast not often) when you are a full-time Stepmom, is recieving CREDIT for ANYTHING you did/do.
A lot of Moms and Stepmoms often experience feeling unappreciated (or some describe it as feeling like “the maid“). As a full-time Stepmom myself, those descriptions seem to be MAJOR understatements of the intense emotions that consumed a lot of my days.
However, I am VERY thankful for my husband who would stand up for me!
Now I am not saying that we, full-time Stepmoms, want to be bragged on because that’s defiantly NOT the case (with me anyway)!!
The issues, for me, came by witnessing first hand how “in and out”(of my stepchild’s life) the Bio Mom was and seeing how she would randomly pop back “in” my stepchild’s life, and how CORRUPTIVE she was to his overall well being. Seeing my stepson experience this brought some heavy unwanted emotions on.
To make things worse, I knew in my heart that despite her actions and lack of parenting(& many others), and despite my own continuous efforts to fill her shoes and be the mom figure he NEEDED, I knew that my stepchild (along with any child at that age) would still choose his Bio Mom over me, any day.
Well, because face it, I am NOT his actual Bio Mom and never will be!
(**SIDE NOTE: This is still true even if you are in the situation, like me, where you had to do all of the things “the real mom” should be doing!)
This REALITY is a VERY hard pill to swallow, and truly heart-wrenching at times!
So no we don’t want to be bragged on, but YES, having someone make you feel appreciated or having your role(and all that YOU do) be noticed, even if only every now and then, would be so NICE & refreshing!
I do know that one day my stepson will see (and know) who was there for him.
He will realize one day who took care of him every time he was sick, who potty trained him or helped him learn to tie his shoes, who redecorated his room in a new theme everytime he grew into a new phase, and who taught him to use gel in his hair (because he wanted to look handsome for a girl at school).
He will know I was there and realize that “titles” don’t always mean anything and just because I am not(& never will be) titled as his “real bio mom“ doesn’t mean I didnt love & care for him as such, because I defiantly DID & DO!
My stepson WILL remember who cheered him on at his k5 graduation and who showed up to every “mommy and me” day at school, and watched(& loudly cheered) him during every one of his tee-ball and soccer games.
I do know all of this, but somehow the reality I shared with you above, still hurts in the present time.
Every time the awkward subject comes up, you know about the fact that I’m NOT his “real mom” my heart feels exactly like what I would imagine a stab straight to the heart would feel like, to this full-time Stepmom anyway.
I am pleased to report to you that life DOES indeed get better! The nightmare, severe stress, and drama eventually fade away, and your life becomes almost “normal“.
The main keys to Surviving the new full-time Stepmom role(& situations) are:
√ alway KEEP GOING!!
√ find the positive in EVERY situation (no matter how small).
√ find(or create) a support network that you can truly rely on(and vice versa) because your husband won’t be able to be your ENTIRE support network ALL OF THE TIME.
So, Let’s Chat!
Are YOU(or will you be) a full-time Stepmom? Can you relate to my feelings about the role or do you have anything to add? I would LOVE to hear from you!!
Feel free to leave your thoughts in the comment box below! I would also LOVE for you to share this post with anyone that you feel needs it!
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Are we friends on Facebook yet?
If you are looking to find or create a SUPPORT NETWORK for yourself like I recommended earlier, joining one of my 2 FREE facebook groups would be a GREAT start!!
To join my Stepmom ONLY group click HERE!
To join my Mom + Stepmom ONLY group click HERE!