a woman who takes on the entire parental role, whether permanently or part time, for a child she did not birth, yet loves and cares for the child as if he/she was her own blood.
Join the strong and well deserving woman who take on this role and never give up in a journey to support and connect with one another! This job is tough and we don’t receive much respect or support. Here our goal is to change that, as well as change the ugly stereo type of the well-known wicked stepmother!
[bctt tweet="step-mom: a woman who takes on the entire parental role whether permanently or part time, for a child she did not give birth too, yet she loves and cares for as if he/she was her own blood" username="ablendedmomma"]
What does it mean when I say full-time bonus/ Stepmom?
This means your in a situation where your not the “bio mom” but the actual bio mom is not in the picture at all, and your filling her shoes…entirely!
Well, this is what I am in addition to have two bio children of own, and let me tell you it is beyond hard.
At times it plain out sucks.
Now let me clarify, the filling her shoes part is not the part I’m referring to here as “sucking” at all! I love my bonus/ stepchild and I wouldn’t trade taking care of him, watching him grow, helping him learn, over anything!!
Through my eyes he(my stepchild) is just another one of my bio children.
It’s through realitys eyes, that it sucks.
If you are a full time Bonus/ Stepmom, does your bonus/ stepchild know his/her bio mom, are they old enough to remember?
Mine does and that’s where it gets hard!!
You see my stepsons bio mom would come in and out of his life, everytime promising him the world, and letting him do absolutely anything he wanted, while with her. She would let him run wild and praise him for it!
I am sure you can see how this would cause issues at our home when he came back!
So obviously when he would come back disobeying, showing out, throwing major tantrums at the first sign of being told what to do…. we knew why he would act that way, but it still wasn’t okay.
We would remind him of the rules of our house first but then if it continued he would get punished.
When he would end up being punished who do you think would get blamed for his “mistreating”?
Yep, me the full-time Stepmom.
I remember before we even really start ed on the discipline thing, I was potty training him and getting him off his paci that should of been long gone at 3 almost 4 years old.
Everytime she (the bio mom) would up and decide she wanted him one weekend and everything he had learned would be out of the window and seem to completely disapear. This would leave me to reteach him everything, along with caring for my two bio children.
I mean this is how bad it was. My stepchild would come back in diapers with a new paci and have no desire to “re-train” at the potty or anything! Let me remind you this is at 3 almost 4 years old!!
It was a nightmare. Stress like nothing you can actually explain in words.
While being a full time Bonus/ Stepmom let me tell you, you will get credit for nothing, feeling unappreciated seems like a major understatement. I am thankful my husband stands up for me!
Not that we want to be bragged on, because that’s defiantly not the case with me anyway.
But when you see how in and out the bio mom is(in my case) and when she (the bio mom) was “in” my stepchilds life, how corruptive she was to his well being and life! Yet he or any child at that age, would still choose her over you. Because face it, your not his bio mom and never will be.
That’s a very hard pill to swallow! So feeling appreciated or having your role noticed every now and then would be nice!
I know one day my stepson will see and know who was there, who took care of him every time he was sick, who did potty train him or help him learn to tie his shoes, who redecorated his room in a new theme everytime he got in a new phase, who taught him to use gel in his hair because he wanted to look handsome. My stepson will remember who cheered him on at his k5 graduation and who showed up to every mommy and me breakfast at school.
But somehow it still hurts in the now. Everytime the awkward subject comes up that I’m not his “real mom” its like a stab to the heart to this full-time Bonus/ Stepmom.
How to Transform Yourself from A Single Mom to a Bonus aka Stepmom!
Are you a new or new-ish Bonus/ Stepmom who was previously a single mom? If you are, then post is for you!
Take a peek into my life today!
Today, like most days, you’ll see me juggling three kids, that all call me mommy, in all of our day to day schedules, outings, and such.
One of these children is my 8 year old blonde (not so little) girl, who is literally my mini me, in looks and behavior! Next, is my 6 (almost 7) year old boy (stepchild), who is tan skinned, brown hair and getting taller by the minute. Weird but I have people tell me even he favors me. Last but never least is another little blonde (tad darker) haired little girl who looks just like her sister did when she was that age that is a just a whole bunch of spunk!
These three follow me everywhere and want to everything I do and I couldn’t be more proud of each of them! You are probably wondering where my husband is, well he is a roofer and leaves very early in the mornings and works until dark. He is a very hard worker and the four of us are blessed to have him!
However, not to many years ago I was right where you are: a single mom(to a beautiful cotton top babygirl). Take a look!
I was 18 when I found out I was pregnant and 19 when I had my first bio child. During my pregnancy months and even after, I struggled alot!
There were many times I was actually homeless, yes homeless! At times, I would have to feel like a bum asking my friends if I could sleep on their couches, other times I would sleep in my car.
In other words times were often tough! My bio childs sperm donor, was just that. As soon as an actual baby was mentioned, he was gone!
He would only come back into my life, when he wanted to erupt a volcano of destruction in my life, which I (being desperate for his “love” and “presence”)at the time, allowed him to, too many times!
The situation always ended with me feeling more worthless, defeated, insecure, and lost than the time before.
Despite all of that, I made it through, after several “no good” attempts at living arraingments (tell you that story another day) I finally settled into my own government funded housing townhouse. (No shame here, everyone needs help sometimes!) It was in the bad part of town but I actually had no problems what so ever. I continued on with my family. As a Single mom you live life soley for your child.
Eventually, I got a job which paid all the bills, and I cannot exspress the feeling I had when I could finally afford my babygirls entire Christmas on my own! It was one of the best feelings ever!
As a single mom I worried about my child and then myself, and that was it.
I made sure the bills were paid, she was fed and had everything she needed and then I did the same for myself. I didn’t have anyone else to worry about at the time. Therefore, with any extra money that we had, me and my daughter would go out and do things we enjoyed doing.
We didn’t have to ask anyone else what they wanted to eat, where they wanted to go, or worry about how any one else felt and so forth. It was just me and her, for what seemed like eternity! And while she got alot of what she wanted she was a VERY well behaved and well mannered child naturally.
I will admit I treated her as a best friend alot in those days when I should of treated her as my daughter, but at the time I didn’t ever see things changing to where it wouldn’t be just me and her anymore and I let a lot slide.
Overall, after the and throughout the tough times I became a stronger woman and my child and I bonded tremendously!
Fast forward to when my (now) husband started dating, and take a peek!
So my husband had his bio child full-time with my stepsons bio mom jumping in and out of my stepsons life as she pleased. You can basically say she was the female version of my childs sperm donor.
I’m sure you can guess as an early 20 year old man raising a 2 year old son alone, is not going to discipline that son very much or hard. Especially, when he (my spouse) was still holding onto the guilt of his son not having a mom around, even though the situation was certainly out of his control.
His son(my stepson was babied (big time, and yes my spouse will admit it) and my stepson was WILD.
When we first got together, we often times would fuss about the childrens discipline. Honestly alot of times I would find myself feeling guilty amd jealouse for my child because I wouldn’t let her get away with things by stepson would get away with. However I don’t regret it now, because she knows right from wrong.
Eventually we (my spouse and I) did get on the same page disciplining wise as well.
The kids would fuss because they wouldbe jealouse of one another. This was defiantly exspected though seeing as though they were both only children to single parents before.
We dealt with grandparents picking favorites and had to both put a stop to that. We dealt with bio moms and bio dads trying to start trouble. Honestly it feels like we went through every battle that should of torn our family apart but it didn’t. Because of all of that we are a strong united family!
I never told or asked my stepson to call me mom, my daughter was never told or asked to call my husband dad. Both children remember their bio parents, and both choose to rise above their situations and embrace the family they have.
Back to present day, you wouldn’t ever know that we are a blended family or the things we have went through by looking at us.
You will not convience my two older children that they are not brother and sister. They fuss like cats and dogs but let anyone come in between them and they will stick up for one another faster than I have saw true siblings do. They both are very territorial over their baby sister as well!
You won’t see just my stepson with his dad separated from me and my daughter. You will see us all interacting as a blended family. All of our kids call me mommy and my spouse daddy and if asked they will tell you they all feel loved equally by each of us which is how I believe a blended family should be!
This course takes you through every single step of becoming a Stepmom and actually being a Stepmom, even how to be and have a successful blended family. My course provides you with activities to participate in with your spouse and children. It also has activities just for you the Stepmom!
This course is designed for new and exsisting Stepmoms! It can help and benefit all stepfamilies at any stage your in of blending your family!
The next step is to join my new private stepmom community which I call The Bonus Mom Club, because at any stage of Step-Motherhood you NEED a support system! This community will provide that support system for you! When you enroll in my course you will recieve a FREE month enrollment in The Bonus Mom Club!
Becoming a Stepmom is a process that usually proves to hold many struggles and stressors no matter if your transitioning from a single mom divorced or windowed mom, or a single woman who never even had her own kids, it’s hard!
But remember why you took the leap to begin with, remember that through all the bad who your battling for: that man you love and those kids that are your everythings… breathe…and stick it out!
Better days are coming momma! But do not for a second think it’s easy!
But the great thing about the fact of you reading this post is, you now have a friend and a go-to person to come to with questions, vents, struggles, or when you just need a listening ear or a story from my life to relieve you that it’s not “you”
This is why I’m here! If you are or now anyone struggling with the transition from being a Single mom into a Stepmom , or any parts before, in between, or after please feel free to reach out!
You are not alone!
Do you have any tips or stories related to this post? I would LOVE to hear them! Please share your thoughts with us all below!
Also, please feel free to download my FREE Printable to help you and your family adjust to being a blended family, new or not! Its quick and easy and you’ll be directed directly to your Free Printable!